It’s after midnight and while my body feels like a pile of bricks, my brain is on fire. It’s probably the fountain Coke from The Golden Arches that I impatiently sucked down in record time. That will get me every time. And now that the house has been nearly silent for a couple of hours and I was left alone in all of its deliciousness, I can’t wind down. There are so many things right now. I should be sleeping. I should be productive. I’m trapped in my own teetering balance.
This is not new.
Just as he went to bed, James told me that the window guy is coming tomorrow to start. We are replacing all 10 windows in the house. (Finally) While this would have been great (and helpful) news to have 24 hours ago, there’s nothing like cramming 500 more things into my “do before 9am” to-do list. No. Really. He’s coming at 9am and the beds need to be moved and things need to be picked up and put away and the playroom is a disaster zone and some things are heavy, especially for just one mama. So while getting 3 kids out the door between 7 and 8:30 am I need to try and get this done, or mostly done.
So do I go to bed early so I can get up early? Of course not! I stay up late, brain on fire, and will later panic in the time crunch.
I opened my laptop with the intentions of being productive for once but the. watched The Voice. I’m 3 shows behind. And then I made the mistake of opening Pinterest and searching for pretty long hair styles because I’m in tears tired of my frumpy plain ponytail. Well that brought on the hormonal surge of worthless feelings looking at young, gorgeous models with perfectly colored hair and done do’s. My own lack of time and frugal nature has left me with a boring box color while trying desperately to hide the multiplying amount of gray hairs and a cut that I’ve done on myself for the past year. Using a pony tail. See where I’m going with this? You’re delightfully evil, Pinterest!
Yes, I have self confidence and self worth but I’m human and I get a little down on it from time to time. It’s ok. I’m ok. It’s ok to be a frumpy mom. My kids and James still love me.
I finally shut it down and looked up and there was the coffee pot staring me in the face. I told James I would set it up and turn on the timer so he had his delicious fuel when his alarm goes off at 5am. And I made enough for me too since I will probably have to get up that early and rearrange furniture like a boss. Caffeine is required for these things before 9am.
I got the dog up from his statue slumber on the entry way floor. There is a fluffy dog bed right next to him, we have carpet and a couch, but he prefers the ice cold tile, all year round. As I’m letting him out, the orange cat narrowly made her escape outside but I scooped her up and hauled her fluffy butt to the litter box. Why? Because that ginger menace can’t be trusted to not pee on the couch or beds and I’m about THIS close to signing surrender papers. (Don’t start in on me, you have no idea the amount of things I have tried to get her to be a happy litter box pee-er.)
While I’m down there I realized that I should probably clean the box for the 3rd time today (see, doing the things) so she’s encouraged to pee appropriately.
But hey, there are also rinsed diapers in the washing machine that didn’t get the wash cycle yet. Start diaper laundry at midnight. This is surely to result in me forgetting that I started them and they will sit wet in the washer too long.
I contemplated staying up even longer to type this blog, or something else, until my head started spinning with how mad I will be at myself in the morning or if Keira decides to wake up 20 times. And in those split second thoughts I reminded myself that while I’m pretty good at functioning on minimal sleep, that only holds up for so long before I pretty much lose it so I really shouldn’t knowingly do that to myself. So I didn’t.
Why am I still awake after midnight?
I took all my swirling thoughts and I laid down in bed next to a snuggly warm 2 year old who smells like sweet baby perfection with her angel lashes embellishing her cheeks. I know that if I just lay myself down then I will probably get super sleepy and just drift off. But I lay here by the light of the glow of my phone, tap, tap, tapping away and putting these words in their place. It’s a bit therapeutic, even though they are just words and not even very important words. They’re just my day, my life, my journey into the good stuff. And when you’re a busy mama of many, the day to day is where I dwell.
And my eyes grow heavy and the words are being blurred. I think I’m now blinking less and longer. Calling it a day so we can have new adventures tomorrow!