I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’m 43 years old and a mama of 6. I should know my life’s path by now, right? Mostly, I know. I am so meant to be a mama, and there is nothing I love more than raising these amazing kiddos and being their constant and their caretaker. But there are so many times when I feel like all I’m doing is giving of myself for everyone else and not giving to me. While being their mama is what I am meant to be, there is more to me. And I’m trying to find her again.
I graduated college with my degree in Veterinary Technology. I loved my short lived career! Nursing animals was so rewarding in so many ways. At the time, I was a mama of 1. Before I left the clinic for good, I was a mama of 3. I needed to be the mama. And 14 years later, there is no going back to that field without returning to college to learn it all over again. “Use it or lose it” is definitely a true statement here. It’s so lost!
I became so passionate about photography and dove in like a cannonball (did you just sing that part?), totally submerged myself in the learning and did pretty well running my own portrait business for several years before there were more babies. And I still love photography. I wish I would get out and photograph more. But I’m not sure I really want to do it as a full time business again. It’s not as easy as it seems – it’s quite time consuming. But I do need to pick up that camera some more. I think I just might do that today.
I’ve been trying to work this blog off and on for years. Last year I submerged myself in the learning of all things blogging and felt so empowered, until I sat down to get it done. And then all these things in my head just go “poof!” and nothing comes out. I’m still working on it though! I’ll find my groove.
I can’t even tell you all the things that have excited me and sparked my “what if” and “I can do that!” but nothing enough for me to pull away from full time mama status, even though full time mama status has me drained and wondering what in the world I will do with myself as these babies grow up and their care taking is less and I haven’t held a job for more than a decade and my skills are pretty strong in diaper changing and mess cleaning.
Should I go back to college? I can think of so many things that excite my brain, things I’d love to learn. But do I really want to start a new career like that? And if so, what? And by then, my other kids will be in college and wow, that might be weird. I don’t know, I like the idea of college more than the going to college. College campuses are so pretty. I like pretty things. 🙂
This is what I do know. I’m in a rut. I’m feeling like my day to day is pretty mundane. Don’t get me wrong, I am not unhappy or unappreciative or wishing I was doing something else. I’m just feeling like I’m on repeat right now and am thinking about ways to better fulfill my own need, fill my own cup – at least once in awhile. So many days I just long for some quiet time, to be in my own thoughts, to soak up inspiration and encouragement from others and to give a little of that back too.
I’m not sure where my road is leading, if it will branch of or stay steady on course. I’m exploring some things and daydreaming about some things and longing for things. I speak like a toddler because that’s my whole world right now! 🙂
These early morning quiet times (so rare!) are pulling at my brain a bit. Nothing but the sound of my keyboard and baby monitor, a warm blanket with a kitty on my lap and a hot cup of coffee. Ahhhhh. These are the moments I need each day and so rarely get. But it also gets me spinning into who I am, who I want to be, what else do I want to do with myself. I’m 43 years old and trying to not feel like such a grown up and wanting to do a bit more with my life and for myself and my family than cleaning their things all day.
I’m off to do some reading of blogs – looking for inspiration or clarity or contentment.